"It's Hallowe'en all over again" (Flaming Lips)

Halloween is coming yet again, and many people are very excited. they use Halloween as the "one night a year [they] can truly be [themselves]", and are able to express the "real" them.
personally, when it comes to Halloween, i'm a purist. i generally like to take the time to celebrate the death of the crops by worshiping Cernunnos, the antlered god, and harassing the locals into giving me offerings, awarding those that do with blessings, and cursing those that do not, sometimes causing such psychic distress that they commit suicide*.

psych, nah. 
what i mean is, as someone who is not particularly fond of my actual self (for the record, cosplay nerds, your real self is the one that wears clothes and works at a job, and goes grocery shopping and such. your costumed self is a fun fantasy dress-up play time self, and guess what: that is awesome) i like to think of dressing up for Halloween as escapism. i don't get to be my "real" self, i get to be someone else. and really, how often do we get to do that? but for me, as I am an adult who is well into his 30s, Halloween, like most holidays, is about drinking, and lots of it.

what's the point of all this? well, as is the usual for many, i would like to give some Halloween advice, particularly some Halloween party advice. be forewarned: if you're a giant halloween enthusiast, you probably won't like my advice. too bad, tho. here it is:

Don't be a Costume Nazi. by that, i don't mean don't be a Nazi as your costume (but don't do that either, assholes/princes of england. the Nazis were horrible fuckheads, and unless you're in a movie playing a Nazi, or in some kind of historical reenactment, don't dress as one. also, don't be a Nazi in historical reenactments. further, don't be in historical reenactments). look, not everyone has the halloween boner you may have. perhaps you spent a shit ton of time, energy, and maybe even real money on your costume. that is fucking awesome, and i mean that snark-free. you know what i spent a lot of time, energy, and real money on? Mass Effect 3. man that game fucking ruled. every time i played it i was psyched. i loved the storyline, the characters were awesome, the graphics were mindblowing. my character, a female space marine/spaceship captain went around making out with other females in the game. it was so great.  and for me it was worth every penny. wait, you're no doubt saying, what's the point of that? exactly! that's the point. not everyone gives that big of a shit about a halloween costume, just as not everyone gives two shits about sweet-ass video games. sometimes people will half-ass it. sometimes they may not even wear a costume (and by that i don't mean nudity, altho...). who are you to judge? as a bearded man, one year, i was like "fuck, i don't feel like shaving." so i went as the Unibomber. it was seriously what i generally wear everyday, and then a grey hoodie and aviator shades. i already had the hoodie, and my GF bought the shades for like 99 cents somewhere. i was sure someone would crawl up my ass at some point, but i actually got a lot of compliments. i think there are people who would say that costume was half-assed, but i actually did it fully assed. i didn't just go "oh shit, what am i gonna wear?" i was like "i'm gonna be the Unibomber". other people probably have been it many times, but so what? it doesn't always work out, however. last year i had no costume and no ideas, but i really wanted to drink, and i didn't want to be the guy with no costume, so i shaved down to a 'stache, put on my winter hat, cut off some pants i never wear to flood-water levels, drew a mustache on my pointer finger, wore a plaid shirt i've gained too much weight to normally wear, and went as a "hipster". it was so lame. and the drunker people got, the more they were like "are you a lumberjack?", so it just became a hipster lumberjack (totally a thing, guys!). i'm not proud of it, but fuck, whattayagonnado? i still managed to have a shit-ton of fun drinking and karaoake-ing (that's the correct verb form of karaoke, by the way). my long-winded point is just not to be so rigid on the costume thing. not everyone has the imagination you may have, but they may want to be apart of the festivities. 

also, can we not slut shame? the sexy/slutty version of most costumes is kinda lame, but it doesn't make those people bad people. i dunno, i don't think we should slut shame in life, and Halloween is just another day, right? a fun day, but a day nevertheless. also, some sexy costumes are kind of okay (and i'm not just saying that cuz of the boners). like, people may disagree, but i think Sexy Librarian is fully acceptable. i'm also not totally anti- Sexy Nurse. but most of them are right out. Sexy Kermit is just... jesus christ... i can't...

i'd tell you what i'm going as, but i want people to get the full effect in person. it's not a giant leap, but it did take a bit of effort, and i think it's imaginative. and one of these days, as promised for many years, i WILL go as a Scary Ghost (sheet w/ eyeholes cut out). 

have Happy Halloweening, everybody.


*the actual origin of Treat-Or-Treating. or not. i grew up Evangelical, and was lectured at many times of the evils of Halloween.